Many people say that after 10 years of living in New York City, you can call yourself a New Yorker. As someone who lived in New York for just shy of 18 years, I can honestly say that the real sign of being an official New Yorker is having a fierce, almost aggressive opinion about bagels. If you haven’t figured out your ideal bagel order and are not willing to physically and emotionally die on that glutenous hill, you’ve got some work to do.
Growing up in a Jewish household in Maryland and then living in New York as an adult, I have a deep love for this holy hole-y baked good. Fresh bagels are perfect. They can be eaten plain. They can be toasted and positively drenched in butter. They can be gussied up with cream cheese and lox, or they can be the vehicle to eat a bacon, egg, and cheese, the breakfast sandwich order of many a New Yorker. But is there actually a right way to eat a bagel? I had the chance to get some insight from Andrew Zimmern, award-winning chef and author, and self-proclaimed bagel expert, on the topic. Safe to say, we both had some thoughts.
Because I respect this subject deeply and also watch a lot of “Law & Order,” I’m looking at this as two sides arguing in a court of law. Each side gets to present its argument, an incredible expert gets to weigh in, but in the end, I ultimately get to make the final ruling. Isn’t opinion writing fun?
The open-faced bagel: an argument
Let’s first present the case for the open-faced bagel. If you’re a bagel lover, you know that the undeniable topping to go on a bagel is a good schmear. Whether it’s coming from your local bagel shop, the grocery store, or you’re making your own at home, it’s the iconic pair. It’s kismet. But there’s more to explore. Smoked salmon, red onion, and cucumbers? Yes, yes, and yes. What about a deli salad, like egg salad or tuna salad, or whitefish salad? Superb. Or, as someone who is wildly indecisive when it comes to food choices, what if I want more than one thing on my bagel? Within the confines of the bagel sandwich, I am limited to essentially one choice. With the open-faced option, I get two meals in one. It’s an embarrassment of riches, or for me, an embarrassment of fishes. I’m Elphaba, baby. Unlimited.
But why? If I’m operating with just one topping, like cream cheese, for instance, I’m in control. There’s no schmear spillage, no mess on my face, and a controlled schmear-to-bagel ratio in each bite. Plus, when I have the bagel open-faced, I can improvise. I’m starting with cream cheese, but when suddenly inspired, I can pile it high with lox and sliced tomato. The open-faced bagel is an invitation for versatility and creativity, with the sky as the actual limit, not the top half of the bagel. And with that, the open-faced bagel argument rests its case.
The bagel sandwich: an argument
The case for the bagel sandwich is a simple one. A bagel, when cut in half, is now in two pieces. It’s destined to become a sandwich. The aforementioned lox and red onion, or maybe a bacon, egg, and cheese? Done and done. Maybe something entirely different. It’s your bagel. Choose your own adventure!
Andrew Zimmern, who describes himself as “someone who has been eating bagels for 64 years on planet Earth, born and raised in New York City, whose grandmother was the head of the sisterhood at Mount Neboah Synagogue and was born and died on 79th St and West End Avenue,” has some incredible expertise on the subject. For Zimmern, the only reason the open-faced bagel even exists is because people have been overstuffing their bagels, resulting in spillage and slippage. The key to the perfect bagel sandwich, for Zimmern, is restraint.
Zimmern’s ideal bagel thrives on ingredients as well as construction. He’s lightly toasting a sesame seed or salt bagel, schmearing on some cream cheese, and adding a few slices of smoked salmon, a thin slice of tomato, and a couple of thin slices of red onion. With this careful assembly, he’s eliminated the slippage and spillage, and his eating pleasure is, in his words, “sublime.” The bagel sandwich, when constructed with care and discipline, is an ideal way to enjoy all of your favorite bagel toppings without muss or fuss. With that, the bagel sandwich argument rests its case.
Which way is the right way?
This argument is an interesting conundrum. What we’re faced with, in addition to bagel construction, is a question of toppings. What’s going on with this bagel that would have us considering more than one way to consume it? Andrew Zimmern has shrewdly observed that the only reason the open-faced bagel exists is because we, as a nation of bagel lovers, are over-stuffing our bagel sandwiches. And while he is absolutely right in that commentary, I’m not entirely sure that’s a bad thing. While I appreciate that the key to a proper bagel sandwich is in restraint, who says that I should be restrained? Why should I be holding back on my bagel fixins’, when I’d much rather be piling my bagel high with them instead?
It’s with my gluten tolerance and schmear-infused mindset that I will say, with my whole chest, that the right way to eat a bagel is open-faced. It feels a little wrong to be disagreeing with Zimmern, to be honest, because his observation is so keen, and I so deeply respect his opinions on all things food. Also, he’s Andrew Zimmern. And yet, I can’t help but look at these two options and find myself reaching for the open-faced option. I can picture it topped with all of my favorite things. With no fear of retribution or spilled schmear, I can take a big ol’ bite and enjoy every element. Plus, a bacon, egg, and cheese belongs on a roll. Who are we kidding?
